Sunday, September 28, 2008
Boner Pills
So, I watch a lot of TV. And a lot of that watching is done late at night. This time is, of course, the best time for peddlers of the less than desirable products that an economy as ridiculously ridiculous as ours advertise.
That leads me to this:
Boner pills. Why don't they just own up? And I'm not talking about the ED pills. I'm talking about shit like ExtenZE. They sort of dance around the fact that they're dick biggeners. "It'll make that special part of a man's body bigger." Can you guys just say you'll make my dick bigger? "ExtenZE: get your dick biggened with our dick biggening pills." I'm not going to buy your product, and your honesty won't change that, but at least I won't feel like you're talking down to me. Fucking christ.
Also of note: those pills stop when you stop using them. Your dick goes back to being puny and ineffectual if you don't take them forever. So don't get fooled.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Office is Back!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
PeTA and the whole Crazy Vego Thing.
Wow, so like, seriously PETA, what's going on? I'm on board with the whole "not killing to eat" thing. You're right on with that. Killing animals isn't necessary to our nutrition, so why do it? I agree, and as a result, I don't eat meat. Veganism is something I've considered. It's a big commitment though, so we'll see where life takes me.
But this isn't about me. This is about you. I've had some troubles with you in the past. You guys have worked with Playboy before. Playboy has actively commodified the female body since its inception. Can't we all agree that that's a bad thing? I'm all about stopping animal cruelty, but at the expense of the female body?
Oh, and then the AIDS thing. This one is rich folks. The Vice-President of PeTA has issued a statement saying that they would rather live in a world without a cure for AIDS than have animals mistreated. Okay, I disagree with that statement, but I see what the dude was saying. He went on to cram the foot hovering near the opening in his face far down his veggie-fed gullet. The dude said something along the lines of "AIDS is a disease that can be prevented, so why cure it?" Okay, I'm simplifying, but really, that crosses a line that you shouldn't have crossed dude.
And now there's this gem. Okay, I get it, you want humans to feel the pain that we inpart on animals. But seriously guys, the rest of the world thinks you're a bunch of dicks. And you know what, I tend to agree.
But this isn't about me. This is about you. I've had some troubles with you in the past. You guys have worked with Playboy before. Playboy has actively commodified the female body since its inception. Can't we all agree that that's a bad thing? I'm all about stopping animal cruelty, but at the expense of the female body?
Oh, and then the AIDS thing. This one is rich folks. The Vice-President of PeTA has issued a statement saying that they would rather live in a world without a cure for AIDS than have animals mistreated. Okay, I disagree with that statement, but I see what the dude was saying. He went on to cram the foot hovering near the opening in his face far down his veggie-fed gullet. The dude said something along the lines of "AIDS is a disease that can be prevented, so why cure it?" Okay, I'm simplifying, but really, that crosses a line that you shouldn't have crossed dude.
And now there's this gem. Okay, I get it, you want humans to feel the pain that we inpart on animals. But seriously guys, the rest of the world thinks you're a bunch of dicks. And you know what, I tend to agree.
Holy Shit Tits!
Clay Aiken is gay! Who would've thunk? Next Question: Why is that news?
Think about it.
If you were surprised, you are stupid. If you care, you are stupid.
Good Day.
Think about it.
If you were surprised, you are stupid. If you care, you are stupid.
Good Day.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Economy
Hey, banking industry! What the fuck guys? Seriously? What the fuck is going on? You guys want capitalism to work? Then stop being so FUCKING stupid about it! For christ's sake, you don't get to beg for deregulation than get bailed out by the government.
And hey, government! Don't even pretend that you aren't in bed with the corporations when you dudes talk about personal responsibility while giving major banks HUGE reach-arounds. Holy shit! This is such garbage.
The economy is on the brink of collapse because of all you guys' irresponsibility. And what's worse, is that you're existence hinges on our collective irresponsibility. We have created an economy that needs debt in order to feed itself. It was only a matter of time, now wasn't it.
Fuck you guys! I'd say you can all wither and die, but then all of our money disappears, so just fuck you. Fucking pricks.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
An Open Letter to Ms. Sarah Palin
Dear Sarah,
Hey, how's it going. You don't know me, but I know you. We all do. Everything you say is being made public right now. You realize that right? I ask because, well, you behave like we don't see somethings that you do. Do you understand what we all think when you refuse to cooperate with the investigation? We think you're guilty. Anyone with any sense of reason thinks that. You look petty, and desperate. It's almost a turnoff, but don't worry, most of us would still TOTALLY do you.
Oh, and that's another thing. You're attractive. Everyone thinks so, and we all know you know it. So you and your cronies can stop being all "Barack is a sexist." But I've covered this. Let's move on.
You know how you don't really talk to the media? That makes us think you aren't really ready to handle their questions. And do you know what we think if we don't think you're ready for the media? We don't think you're ready to be President, which you could very well be.
Also, war with Russia? Are you fucking serious? There's NO way we can do that. You realize that right? I mean you support the war in Iraq which is already drawing resources away from the hunt for Osama Bin Laden, so what do you think is going to happen when we start a new cold war? Or...do you want a new cold war?
Do you really miss the fifties that bad? You want to make all families the Cleevers, I guess. And on top of that you want us afraid of the Russkies again.
Whatever though. Here's a picture for you!
I hope you like it!
Sincerely,
John Dugan Barrett
Friday, September 12, 2008
Bruce Springsteen
This guy rules so much.
Like, so much.
Like, sometimes I don't even believe it.
I have been listening to Darkness on the Edge of Town almost nonstop this week. Any readers who don't have it, get it now.
That's really all I have to say.
Like, so much.
Like, sometimes I don't even believe it.
I have been listening to Darkness on the Edge of Town almost nonstop this week. Any readers who don't have it, get it now.
That's really all I have to say.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Hole in the Wall
God damn it America. I love the shit out of this show. It's the shitty American Version of an old Japanese show, so you know it's stupid as balls. The premise is pretty simple, and so, so, so, so dumb. Two teams (one usually fat, and one usually skinny) compete to see who can get through the most cutouts in a moving wall. If a team doesn't make it through, they are knocked into a pool. What? you may ask. Good question. I don't know. Brooke Burns is the girl on the court, talking with the participants. And this is the best part, she knows how stupid this is. The whole time she just smiles apparently thinking "This is more stupid than I look...and I look stupid." And this is why America is so great. Man, everyone should watch this show, because it totally rules and it represents why the rest of the world fails to understand us. I also find Brooke Burns incredibly attractive.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
John McCain is a pedophile
Yes, I said it. And I meant it. There is no other reasonable explanation for his response to Obama's "Kindergarten Sex-ed" stuff.
The McCain camp launched this ad in response to America's next President's stance.
So here's the real deal. Obama supports a community-based sexual education program for young children to help them avoid falling prey to pedophiles. So it stands to reason that the only pedophiles would be against it.
Therefore, McCain must be a pedophile.
The McCain camp launched this ad in response to America's next President's stance.
So here's the real deal. Obama supports a community-based sexual education program for young children to help them avoid falling prey to pedophiles. So it stands to reason that the only pedophiles would be against it.
Therefore, McCain must be a pedophile.
Sexism and shit
Hey! Assholes! One of the Presidential candidates is a sexist, and one is not. One of them got home from the Vietnam war and saw that his wife had gained weight, and divorced her. One of them does not support a woman's right to choose. And one picked a woman as a VP to condescendingly pander to the women who felt left out when Clinton did not get the Democratic nomination. At the bottom of this page is a subtle hint as to which one of the Presidential candidates is, in fact, a sexist, and he is not the one being accused of it in the media for some reason.
Pigs and such
Monday, September 8, 2008
Let's talk politics
So I registered to vote in Boston today. I think this election is very important, and I have some things I want to say about it. They have probably been said before and will probably be said again, but here it goes.
John McCain: This man seemed to be the right kind of guy in 2000, but then he fathered an illegitimate black baby, and America's finest C student got the presidency through more fraud than an episode of Chriss Angel: Mindfreak. Now he's a rank and file Republican who supports a fraudulent and outright evil war against a country that never really had all that much against us. He's a man that spent five years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, yet he is supports the current (illegal and inhumane) interrogation tactics in American prisons. The son of a bitch (and he is one) voted with President Bush 90% of the time. President Bush will, without a doubt in my mind, go down as the worst president in U.S. history. This "maverick" has agreed with 90% of some of the worst decisions ever made by a U.S. executive. He is also 72 years old, and has had cancer 5 times.
Which leads us to...
Sarah Palin: She looks like a hot librarian. Cool. But she also does not support a woman's right to choose. Not only that, but she doesn't support a woman's right to choose whether or not to have a baby that is the product of rape or incest. That's INSANE! But plenty of republicans have similar views. Okay, how about her support of abstinence only education? It may not be fair to pull a candidate's family into the political discussion, but Palins daughter is pregnant (for at least the first time) and that pregnancy is ultimately a direct result of the failure of abstinence only sexual education. Her life will be ruined by this, yet people find it heroic. Then there's her stance on gay rights. The Anchorage Daily News published the following about her,
"Palin said she's not out to judge anyone and has good friends who are gay, but that she supported the 1998 constitutional amendment [defining marriage as between a man and a woman].
"Elected officials can't defy the court when it comes to how rights are applied, she said, but she would support a ballot question that would deny benefits to homosexual couples.
"'I believe that honoring the family structure is that important,' Palin said.
She said she doesn't know if people choose to be gay."Of course, she too is considered a maverick. She voted against the "Bridge to Nowhere," after, you know, voting for it first. She also has just a little bit more experience than I do with politics. This woman scares the shit out of me. She is a threat to a lot of what I believe.
Barack Obama: Barack Obama voted against the Iraq War. That should sell everyone on his candidacy. He helped to get the anti-nuclear proliferation bill in the Senate. Unlike his opponent he supports a woman's right to choose and stem cell research. He also supports informing people about pregnancy prevention. He is (like most politicians) not strong enough on Gay Marriage, but we all have to pick our battles I suppose.
Joe Biden: The one thing I've noticed about Joe Biden that gives him my full support is that he supports ending the powder-crack sentencing disparity. But Obama isn't an old cancer-patient, so knowing Biden's background might be a little less important than knowing Palin's. I hope I didn't just jinx this.
So now you know where I stand. Please vote accordingly.
An Ode to the Green Line
The MBTA's Green Line subway line can feast on my balls. Seriously. Eat my balls Green Line. Fuck You!
I hate the Green Line so unbelievably fucking much it isn't even funny. Given the choice between watching as the Green Line is given life than has it slowly taken away or getting my dick blown by the most beautiful women in the world while the Gaslight Anthem plays "Casanova, Baby!" for all eternity, I'd probably choose the former.
If time-travel were possible and the Green Line had a mother, I would go back in time and abort the Green Line in the third trimester then spit in the mother's face for producing such a useless piece of garbage offspring.
So Green Line, watch your back. Because I'm back there with as painful of an instrument of death as there is, and I am willing to use it with excessive force. And guard your children, because I have paid people to kidnap them.
In closing, suck my dick.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Kiss the Bottle
I feel this is an important discussion to have. Some of my less-informed brethren believe that there is a better version of this song than the original. He's wrong, and I am offering as many versions of it as I can. You decide which is better. There is a correct answer, and a not terribly offensively incorrect answer. Anything else should get you killed.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
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