Ted Haggard: Heterosexual with Complications

Bullshit. I mean seriously, you had sex with a male prostitute/crystal meth dealer AND masturbated in front of a teenage boy from your church. Then you admit that you've struggled with these feelings since high school? Guess what, Ted: you are a homosexual. That is what that means. There is no such thing as "Heterosexual with complications." Your sexuality is not a facebook relationship.

Here is where this gets me though. In the eyes of this dickwad, homosexuality is a sin, a sin that will send its sinner to a deep part of hell. So is adultery. But those are beside the point because if there is a God, He doesn't care about where your dick goes really (though the adultery thing is pretty fucked up). What He'd really pissed off is that while you are going around finding gay crystal meth dealers with whom to have sex and do crystal meth, you were trying to control the U.S. government to create policies that actively persecute that gay crystal meth dealer.

To the rest of the world: If Ted Haggard is right, and there is this very specific vision of hell going down, we can all rest assured that he will be in a far worse part of it than the sodomites. As a schismatic, he'll be forced to walk in a circle for all eternity where at one point he is cut nearly in half, then painfully heals until he reaches that point again. Thank God for loopholes.